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what is hidden behind fears

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Mum

Soo i will have to write about mum again. You see we are in mum’s month and she is clocking 66. Althouhg her husband is no more she was granted the grace this year to see her grand-son’s son. I tell her she is very bless for that. Soo mum and i have a mother-daughter/girlfriend relationship. I have been desperately trying to know more about her, not only as mother but a friend. We are in a stage where i ask mum every question that crosses my mind. I am not talkning about questions like how did you meet dad? Or what have you eating? No, no i am talking about questions that takes mum by surprise ! Questions that makes me trace the bravery of my ancestors! Questions that makes me believe that if my grand-mum and mum went through those breath -taking storms, i am a warrior by nature. Yeah! My conversations with mum is unique. I once asked mum what were her thought regarding Mariage. She confessed to me my dad was the first and only man she loved and that mariage for her was a great way to escape from her difficult childhood. Mum was very open enough to tell me mariage wasn’t all.
One day i decided to even go further with my questions. ” mum is the something you wish you would have done or you will like to do now, something that gives you a sense of fufilment?. .
After a long silence , . She said” are you serious ?”. “Yes mum , i am very serious, i want to know what sparks you”. I replied
Then mum said ” well i will love to carry your baby.” 😑😑Believe me i saw that coming, it is just soo mum. Phone conversation are sometimes uncomfortable because it is difficult to use facial expression(non-videos calls of course). I knew mum was trying to escape from this question and i will tell you why below.
Now , it was very important for me that mum undestood my next point , i do appreciate that she loves me and that she cares but i really wanted her to understand this. slowly i said : ” mum , i am not talking about me, your husband or your other children.i am very interested about you. Forget for a minute about us, you are a wonderful wife, mum and grand- mum.but tell me what you will like to fufil for you.
The reason why mum was avoiding this question was simply because it was difficult. She has been given soo much to others that, she just finds it difficult to feed herself.It is was like she was born for us😔😔
she broke another silence ” i am too old for that now….”.
“Mum you never too old to be you”.I replied. Oh yes! This was a very difficult question for mummy Sue. I cant thank God enough for the patience he poured in me while mum was taking the time of the world to answer me

After a long hesitation she finally said” i

will love to go back to School or Teach salsa dance’.🤤😥, i had a feeling she had been secretly nudging /fantazising these ideas
Now this took me by surprise,🤤🤤 the shock made me mute for few seconds, . She said ” you see you are silent, you also think it is ridiculos”
I laughed soo hard , i managed to chuckle between my laughter ” ohhh mum that is absolutely great!i was just shocked, i never thought you would have said such a thing. You are never to old to give to go for a dream.
This conversation took place last year, mum still believes she is very old to teach salsa or go back to school. My attempt to convince her has failed. I was just thinking may be some random positive thoughts from readers could give her a boost! Wouldnt it be great if our mothers just gave themselves permissio to dream and actuallt go for it

, despite thier age??

Happy birthday Maman-sue😍😘

Gratitude Thursday

Today i am grateful for speaking , Writting and reading more than 3 languages. I am one of those persons who love to share their experience after reading a good book. My mum is one of those persons who wouldnt mind an hour conversation over the phone listening to you while you explain how good or inspiring a book is.Let me be honest i dont know if my mum just listen to me because i am good at narating or if she just enjoy our conversation , or may be she just pretend to listen😁😁.

Because i am bless in 4 languages , but mum is good in french. My future books shall not be in English but french Soo that every book i read , could be pass down to mum. We could then discuss what we both think!!! .Mum doesnt know that yet😀😀 . I think she will love it.

Gratitude !!

A weird dream

Hello people!! Life has been a little rough on me and i have been looking desperately to get surrounded by WordPress experts. Thank God , i found a lovely group not far away from where i live.I hope i can attend their meetings regularly.

So today i will be writing about the weird dream i had last night. I have very weird dreams sometimes, when i say weird , i mean really weird. They usually trigger me because they hover over my mind until a next dream kicks in.let me divert a little 6 years ago, a friend came home with her new boyfriend, she was very excited and scared at thesame time because she had alot of heartbreaks in the pas. I remember when i woked up the next morning i told her i saw her getting married with him in my dream(i described how she was dress). 4 years after that, i received a message and picture from her telling me ”  look i wore the dress you told me in our traditional wedding”. She looked just like i said . She had a BIG NIGERIAN SCALF ON HER HEAD AND A VERY BEAUTIFUL AFRICAN WARE. She looked like she was a Nigerian queen although she was pure Luxemburgish…

Ok, so in my dream i was asked by an unseen person to write down what i had learnt so far in life ? I still remember how excited i was in my dream. I have been trying hard during the day to recall who my interlocutor was in the dream. It is a pity i cant talk about him or describe him. I say Him** because it sounded like a he voice, nevertheless his voice was very clear to be heard.

” what is it you want to know”? .I replied to his question (him wanting to know what i have learnt so far)

He said ” just write down what  you think , you have learned.

I started thinking, still in my dream .well i am in my  late 20s early 30s , what is it i have learnt 🤔🤔?

Still in my dream the unseen person said i should write all my thoughts down. Suddenly i saw a white paper  with numeric figures (1-7) typed on it. If i am not mistaking..

  1. Empty
  2. Empty
  3. On the 3rd point i said (i hope i can recall what i said) .” Sometimes in life , it will feel like God, the universe, spirits(it all depend on your beliefs) will be waging a war against you. it will sometimes feel like every little amount of joy you will receive ,will be followed by tons of misfortunes. My thought was written down
  4. Empty
  5. Empty
  6. Empty
  7. When you feel stuck in a situation, when you feel like every attempt to try to get out of the stuckness seems unyielding, Stop all efforts to dive out and try to creat something new inside that stuckness.

Isn’t that a crazy dream??!!!!!! I will tell you why i found the dream weird. The first reason was that i was asked to write but the only point i wrote was point 3, inshort let me correct myself i didnt even write, i said and it was automatically written. The 7th reason was written  by the invisible voice. Why would you want me to write or say something and you end up writing it yourself??. The truth is that i can clearly resonate with point 7.  May be the unseen voice was just my subconsciuos telling me it was time i stopped fighting to escape…

Hmmmm i don’t know, i mean it is just a dream, Is it really suppose to matter that much???. I nevertheless took point 7 as a great tool, i needed a new direction.I was getting tired of trying to runaway.

Ohhhh by the way another thing i learnt is that even when some situations seem weird, take the best thing out of the “weirdness” and move on.

Ps: Empty=blank space, nothing was written in that . I was just able to say point 3 and point 7 was written automatically by the unseen voice

Gratitude

IMG-20171210-WA0000.jpgI am very grateful for the reply i received from one of my favourite bloggers. Being new into blogging, can be very frustating.Nevertheless it is very grateful to receive supporting replies from a great blogger. Especially when he decide to reply by answering all your questions ,through a long positive Email!!
Not only did he take sometime off to reply to my frustrating questions, he actually replied in les than a week. There  is something about me reading long good emails. It literally sweeps me off my feet and makes my hear swell with joy.I usually devour such mails, or blogs with a cup of tea .  I am very grateful for the tips and how you narrated your own journey. “Un saludo”, was how he ended his message, and only God knows how fascinated i am about the spanish language.

Many thanks to great writers who still have time to reply to people like us… You made my week!!

GOOD PEOPLE

Today i want to celebrate the GOOD PEOPLE out there. I mean those people who make the world a better place , those who put some light into this world.  It was a long time i had a girls chat and i longed for one. After a confirmation call with my friend, i packed up my P.J, toothbrush, clean panties and i was heading to spent the night with C,  . My friend C, is a great woman and i have so much respect for her. Not just because she is older than me, but most importantly because she sees gratitude in what most human can’t see. She had a a lot of battles , one of her greatest victory is Eva her daughter 12 years old.As we were talking about life , little did i know , this story will changed my vision of life

She started” do you know what happened to me when Eva, was 11?’ Obviously i said” No” . Well she said, i sent her to supermarket to buy some groceries. While i was in the toillet (sorry i know it sounds gross, but i just didn’t know how to write it a better way). It came to my mind that , the groceries where far too heavy for her to carry alone. Without thinking, i rushed out of the toilet room and i started running desperately to help her.( i cant help but admire ,what some mum would do for their kids).

Ok back to the story. “As i lashed out without thinking much”, she continued, i realised people laughed as i fast passed them by. I didn’t bother to understand, i was in such a haste that nothing else could stop me from helping my baby. As  i got into the supermarket, there was this woman and her daughter, who started laughing as well when i passed them.

Now , i started to think to myself  why were they all , laughing…..

She went on. when i met Eva , she was struggling with groceries so i went up to help. Just then i  heard her say ” Mama, you have toilet paper flying like a flag on your behind.” She pulled it off from me.

For a moment I felt sorry for her, in an attempt to empathise with her , i said. ” I find it gross , that the woman at the supermarket just mocked at you with her daughter, instead of teaching her daughter  some manners. I went on, “why didn’t you tell this woman and her daughter a piece of your mind?”.

She was silent for a while ,before saying ” why “? . “Well because they were gross” i  said,

then she said. You know Sue, people have a lot of shit in their lives, if this incident could help them simile, then believe me I am very grateful. May be they have a sick person at home, when he hears this story, it might spark a smile on his /her face. If my story makes them laugh then i am grateful.

There was nothing left to say, I was filled with mix feelings, how on earth could someone think this way..  It is a great honor to be with someone who thinks this way. For that reason i honor good people. Those who despite of their failure,  see success. Those who still believe human beings matters!!!  . I applaud all the Good people all over the earth.  I am working to become just like you, God help me

I dedicate this to my friend! brother! SIGALLA BERTRAND. YOU BELEIVE EVERY SOUL ON EARTH WAS GOLD. You had respect for every individual . You were Good in my eye. Rest in perfect peace!! i will always love you…

 

Selfish me.

Do you know those decisions you take after you have been disappointed by someone ? I bet yes…Mine centered how a nice little town i used to love. So, I told myself i will never go back to that little nice city i lived. I felt like memories will just make my heart suffer.I felt like going back there was too humiliating . I had messages from friends inviting me to visit ( just to go see their new-born baby). I always had the perfect excuse. ‘Sorry i am still grieving my dad” or i have a lot of work at the moment” .It felt ok to just push everyone away from me, even those who just cared. Well destiny had a final say.

One morning, I received a picture from one of best friend. Oh by the way she lives in this  nice cute town i used to love. The same town i started  running away  because someone decided to cut me off. The more i think about it, the more i feel stupid😒(like for real?). Ok so i have this nice sweet message from my friend, Where she says one of my godson (her kid) “my boys” this is how i call them. Was asked to draw his family . As you can see on the picture Mum,Dad,gran-parents and myself were on board.  I think  we all slayed..

IMG-20171025-WA0000.jpg

That was when, i realise how selfish i was. If you have a closer look at the drawing i am the only one smiling. If only my boys knew how i felt when i thought about that nice little town they lived.  If you doubt where i am on drawing (i am the Brown one with the Big Popo😝). Kids and their World😌. I had completely let my pain demolish the love i have for my boys. I had them in my arms when they were babies (i bought them their first book). The first time i surprisingly picked them from school , i still remember how happy they were. Hmmm … how then could i be so selfish.

Sometimes we let our pain,frustration, our past, pull us away from our love ones or from what we love. I love this cute little town ,I am happy this drawing helped me release on  my pain. I can’t hold responsible, the nice little town or my friends for my disappointment? Do not let your pain, frustration, fear cut you off from those who really care.You have a choice to, let go  or  stay in pain. Only you can decide…

I have Few more hours before my plane lands. I cant wait to visit all my friends and spend sometime with my god-sons!!!!

Hello cute little town!

SEVEN LONG YEARS!!

For seven years!! seven long years!! i have been waiting for this person to say those words. Seven long years of my life wanting approval from a single person.The effect of the news started manifesting itself after we finished the conversation. ” You can start the process, i will sponsor you”. Those were the words.

I tried hard to stop my thoughts from running all over the place. It was impossible to calm myself down.  I tried to have a nap,watch my favourite show, all these attempts were in vain.. Soo i decided it was Beach Time. After a nice glass of wine, which was a symbol of my success , i pulled off my shoes and sat on the seashore. It wasnt so crowded and i liked it that way.

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WHY WASN’T I FULLY HAPPY?.  THIS WAS MY DREAM COME TRUE.

I heard this little voice in me saying, ” why aren’t you fully happy?”.At that moment tears started flowing. I was actually happy but i regretted so many things aswell.

  • I fought so hard  these  past years trying to make this person approve of me.
  • I fought so hard trying to fix things my own way.
  • when i realised this person will never approve of me. I moved from one country to another trying to make this wish happen by myself. I was always nice to this person, i was always  there for this person(because it is also my nature) but i believed if i was much more nicer this person will approve of me.
  • The came a time when i hated this person, when the world will make me understand what this person was doing to me wasn’t right. I believed them and i hated this person more. But because hatred has never been my nature, i just love this person again
  •  Many times God told me not to worry, but i kept on worrying, making myself sick, developing sleeping issues.

Continue reading “SEVEN LONG YEARS!!”